Iris
by xxmusic rock
Summary: How Ryan deals with Marissa's death. One shot.


Ryan Atwood looked out of the window, seeing people get out of their cars and slowly walking to the gates. He inspected the looks on their faces. Most of them looked as if they had been crying for days, some of them just for the past hour or so, some of them just… sad. His thoughts were broken when he felt the car stop to a halt, the engine dying as Sandy turned off the engine. He looked back at the two boys behind him, giving both of them a reassuring smile before the four of them hopped out of the car. Yes, it was another black tie event, but not like all the other parties. This wasn't celebrating a happy occasion. It was a funeral - a funeral to honour the late Marissa Cooper. There was a mile long of parked black cars along the road to the cemetery where the funeral was held, the Cohen's and lone Atwood making their way through the mass of black clothed people. If anybody saw the spectacle from above, they would've thought it was some kind of mass cult gathering. But the number of people that showed up proved to Ryan what a precious commodity Marissa Cooper was to the community. Most of them were students from Harbor – even ex-best friend Holly Fischer attended the funeral.

As Ryan lifted his gaze up from the dewy grass, he saw Julie Cooper-Nichol atop the hill with Neil Roberts by her side. The two of them never got along, but they eventually had some kind of understanding with each other. Their eyes connected for a mere moment and she smiled weakly over at him, the two of them nodding their heads silently. The two of them were finally at peace. They had been playing tug-o-war with Marissa since the day Ryan had entered Newport. Neither of them were happy with each other when it came to Marissa's concern, it was always Julie wanting her to find a proper Newpsie boy and Ryan trying to get Marissa away from Julie to have a more 'normal' life. But that obviously wasn't meant to be. It was so ironic that it was Marissa that surrendered and caused the feud to cease.

Then as people parted the aisle to move to the seats, he saw the coffin. He could feel the emotions inside of him start to stir again. For the past week, Ryan had stayed in the pool house, unable to force himself to move. He felt like a part of him had died along with Marissa. She was the first person to see him in Newport, and he was the last person she saw when she left Newport… forever. He felt a tug at his arm, quickly turning and seeing Seth usher him into the row. Ryan silently nodded his head and shuffled in, sitting down next to Seth. He pulled his hands out of his jacket pockets, cracking his fingers silently before he felt a pair of eyes burn into the side of his head. He looked up, seeing Seth watch everything he was doing and he gave him a look, causing him to quickly turn away and look straight ahead of him. The ceremony hadn't even started yet and he was already on edge. He relaxed his hands before clenching them again, closing his eyes and for a split second, he saw his hands gripped on the wheel, trying to steer his car back onto the road before it spun out of control.

His eyes shot open again, sitting up slightly as he felt someone's shoulder brush his, glancing over at them. He shot them a weak smile, eventually registering their face. It was one of those Newpsie women as Seth called them. That's right, she was the same woman that approached him in the car when he was with Volchok, the night that he… "Ryan, my dear, how are you?" she asked quietly as she leaned over to him, wrapping her arm around his shoulders and hugging him gently. "Uhhh, just… y'know…" he trailed off quietly as he glanced over at her. She really didn't expect an answer from him did she? If she did, she was really quite naïve. She nodded her head gently, clucking her tongue softly at him before removing his arm from his shoulders. "Oh of course," she replied gently, resting her hand on his shoulder, rubbing it gently. "I'm sorry," she said with a genuine smile, retracting her hand as Ryan gave her his famous half smile, nodding his head gently as he clenched and relaxed his hands once more.

He tried to pay attention to the whole sermon, but of course his ears pricked up when he heard his name. What was going on now? He saw turned his head back towards the crowd, seeing them look at him expectantly. He swallowed the lump in his throat as he remembered what he was meant to do – the eulogy. He had completely forgotten about it. He was meant to write up a five minute speech about Marissa and how she affected his life and everybody else's. But how could you sum up someone's life in five minutes? He glanced over at Julie who looked back at him, giving him a small smile and returning it to her, nodding to himself before slowly standing up and making his way over to the podium. As he made his way over to the podium, he couldn't help but feel like a million pairs of eyes were watching him. He stood behind the podium, clearing his throat before adjusting the microphone down slightly, smoothing out his tie before starting to speak.

"So, to tell you the truth, I actually haven't prepared a eulogy for today," he spoke, watching several heads turn in the audience to whisper to their respective partners. "But trying to talk about Marissa Cooper and how she affected me… that doesn't need to be written. You see, the proof of how Marissa changed my life, the proof is standing right in front of you," he smiled slightly as he glanced over at Kirsten and Sandy, his weight shifting from side to side out of nervousness. "Kirsten and Sandy Cohen brought me into their home, their lives, their family. I couldn't thank them enough for all that they've done for me. But what Marissa did for me was something more. She defied all odds with her parents, done some wild things. But most of all, she made room in her heart from this boy from Chino. She was the other person that gave me a chance in Newport. And because of her, this is the man I've become. So, thank you Marissa Cooper. You've made me a better man," he smiled softly before stepping down and away from the podium, returning to his seat.

Ryan glanced over at Sandy and Kirsten, her eyes brimming with tears while Sandy leant over and patted him on the shoulder. "You're a good kid," he smiled before he glanced over at Seth, furrowing his brows slightly. "Son, do you want to sit next to your mother?" he commented, seeing Seth start to tear as well. Seth shook his head stubbornly, looking over at Sandy. "I'm crying the tears that Marissa would have cried okay dad?" he retorted, clenching his fist and gently beating it against his chest. "It hurts that you would think that I'm crying 'cause I found Ryan's words moving," he muttered, causing Ryan to chuckle softly and shake his head. "It's okay Seth, I've gotten used to it," he reassured as Seth let out an uneasy laugh, letting the rest of the ceremony continue.

* * *

It was several weeks after the funeral and the impact of Marissa's death had certainly hurt everybody, but it seemed like it was back to business now. Of course her closest friends would never forget her, but it was still hard not to have her sitting next to Ryan down at the diner, having hour long talks with Summer and discussing some of the bands that her and Seth had in common. But she was gone… and this time she wasn't coming back. The three of them had to accept that fact. They knew nobody could replace her. Coop to Summer, The Beauty to Seth, and his heart to Ryan.

Ryan was driving towards the cemetery, back from his hour long stay in Chino. He just needed some time alone and time at his old place seemed like the perfect idea. He walked through his old memories, going past a few of the places he used to hang out. Some of them good memories, the majority of them bad. But those were the ones that gave him his tough exterior, those hardened emotions to help him through tough situations. But to anticipate Marissa's death was nothing Chino had prepared him for. She was once his heart and soul, and in a way, a part of him feels the same way.

Ryan made his way to the hill, his hands in the pockets of his jeans. He glanced at the numerous crosses and tombstones, feeling a chill travel down his spine. 'Cut it out Ryan. You're not six anymore.' the voice in his head ordered as he kept his head up towards his goal, walking slightly faster towards it. He was starting to act more like Seth and it freaked him out slightly. But then again, they did live in the same house.

He saw the tombstone he was looking for, walking over to it and standing there in silence, biting his bottom lip slightly. He moved his hand to his back pocket, pulling out a CD and getting down onto his knees, resting it against the stone. It was 'The Model Home Mix' that Marissa had made for him when he was living in the model home. The original copy was burnt when the fire happened, but she made another copy for his birthday, which he never got. Caitlin found it and gave it to him when they moved out of the trailer. It didn't have all the original songs, but it had a few. Hallelujah by Jeff Buckley was one of the ones that was still there.

_And I'd give up forever to touch you / 'Cause I know that you feel me somehow / You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be / And I don't want to go home right now_

Ryan held his breath, closing his eyes and reaching out, touching the top of the stone. He breathed out slowly, taking in a deep breath and letting the images in his mind start to play again. He saw everything happening again. Volchok and Heather in the van, ramming into his car and causing him to spin out of control. Marissa's voice screaming out to Volchok to stop. Ryan's persistence that led the two of them to her death. He shot his eyes open again, shaking his head gently before resting his eyes on the engraving. His fingers moved to the stone, letting it run along the inside of the engraving, his eyes closing again as another image flashed in his mind.

- Flash back start -

_And all I can taste is this moment / And all I can breathe is your life / And sooner or later it's over / I just don't want to miss you tonight_

"What are you doing here?" he asked as he saw Marissa start to slowly approach him. What the heck was she doing? It was his last night here and all he wanted to do was get to Austin and everything would be over. No more Cohen's, no more Luke, no more Marissa. Her being here in the model home right now was not a good idea. "I don't know why I'm here. I just, wanted to see you. I mean, you're leaving tomorrow, and, what if I never ... we never... Maybe I could spend the night. Just hang out," she explained, stumbling over her words as she stepped closer to Ryan.

"You can't stay. If you stay ... if, if we spend the night, I ... I don't know that I could leave," he muttered quietly as she took another step closer to Ryan. "Well, then don't," she whispered. Ryan shook his head, backing away from her and laughing uneasily. "Yeah, you have to go back to the school in the fall and I just what? Hang around here? Hiding like some ghost? Till the cops find me and I have to disappear again? We're from different worlds,"

Marissa shook her head, tears almost brimming her eyes. "That's not true," she squeaked, turning up and looking into Ryan's eyes, trying to get some sympathy from him. "I'm not like you. Go. Please. Go," he muttered, turning away and not watching her leave the room. He closed his eyes, hearing her footsteps against the floor and the door shutting.

- Flash back end -

_And I don't want the world to see me / 'Cause I don't think that they'd understand / When everything's made to be broken / I just want you to know who I am_

Ryan shut his eyes, retracting his hand away from the stone and clenching it into a fist, gently pounding it against the stone. Everything started to flow out from him now. All his bottled up emotions, they were flowing out of him now. His poundings started to become harder and louder, eventually hitting it with all his might as he let out an almighty yell. His body suddenly became limp and he almost collapsed on the soft grass, his palms pressing against the earth.

Once he caught his breath, he lifted his head up to look up at the stone, still in its pristine state. He groaned, moving over to the side of the stone and resting his back against the side of it, his head in his hands. He pulled his knees to his chest, closing his eyes and trying to collect himself again. All the times he used to bottle his emotions up, never letting anybody in. But this… this tipped him over the edge. He took it out on the tombstone and now it was his turn to take it out on his body. He felt a solitary tear roll down his cheek, not bothering to wipe it away as it was the beginning of a month's worth of tears and pain finally being released.

He stayed on the hill for what seemed like forever to him before slowly getting up and dusting himself off. He turned back to the tombstone and smiled slightly, reaching out and pressing his fingers on top of it before looking up at the sky. Now she really knew who he was.


End file.
